THE BOOK IS DOOOOOOOONE!!!!!!

 

 

THE INTRO:

 

 

When Joe Ferdinand Tyrannosaurus Henderson was born, everyone expected him to be great like his dad. His father, a retired veteran, had been the greatest fighter in the army. Now, his father lives with only one arm, and he's proud of it. Joe admires his dad, and wants to please him. It is kind of hard when you are a class-A klutz, a kid with odd abilities, and someone who can't sleep without silk pajamas. Let me explain. Joe has an uncannily odd list of abilities that normal humans don’t have. Here they are:

1. He can communicate with penguins,

2. He can hear bald men whisper as if they were talking,

and 3. He can't sleep unless he is wearing silk pajamas (due to that he was born into a wealthy family, and his first night of life he wore silk pajamas, and after then he couldn't sleep in anything else. It also has something to do with being a sith repulsor)

Odd, huh…well anyway, he is older now, twelve, and in twelve years he’s learned a lot. He’s gained responsibility, and he has his own cellphone, and a hobby of writing letters, texts, and emails. Those are what this story is mostly made up of, so by all means, commit the federal offense of reading someone else’s mail and such. We don’t mind.

 

 

CHAPTER 1:

 

 

Txting:

J03: hey got my new cllphne!

(Joe’s friend)Rick: wow thts good

J03: yah it is blu with a penguin pic on da back

Rick: wht is is wit u and penguins?

J03: I can cmmunicte with em and they are luvable

Rick: I still dunt believe u

J03: dunt?

J03: bad english

Rick: dude u understood me.

J03: whatever, oh man gotta go…my dad wants me

Rick: Ok cya.

 

 

More Txting 5 minutes later:

Rick: what d he want?

J03: wanted me 2 tell him why there’s a pool of blood on the floor

Rick: Why was ther?

J03: It was ketchp. Perriguin pecked the bottle wit his beak and I 4got to clean up da mess.

J03: Dad lmost fainted.

J03: heehee

J03: u there? Hola?

J03: fine then im gone.

 

 

Email from Joe to his frend Rick Waterfield:

 

 

To: rickthehick@nononsense.phillysburg.com

 

 

From: penguinboylovesperriguin@penguinfanclub.gub.com

 

 

Subject: school

 

 

Message: Hey Rick. Are you going to school on Monday after the doctor’s appt.?

B-cuz I wanted to know if I should save you some candy for later in the day or eat it all myself. (hehe) halloween was great. We got enough candy to last three years at least. Remember how awesome our costume was? HaHA!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To: penguinboylovesperriguin@penguinfanclub.gub.com

 

 

From: rickthehick@nononsense.phillysburg.com

 

 

Subject: re: school

 

 

Message: I am never going as the back half of a purple cow again as long as I live you little front end. Anyway, no I am staying home after the appt. Hog all the tootsie rolls and Dots you want. I got plenty.

 

 

A letter to Rick:

 

 

Dear (well not dear) Rick:

 

 

I am going off to camp this Friday! I am staying for a month. Some place called CampCanada. I am going to have lots of fun, eat weird food, and play hockey with some maple syrup guzzlers. Maybe we’ll eat purple pancakes. I have always wanted one. Really bad. Anyway, I am going to miss you, and be sure to save me some candy, even though I plan to load my suitcase with it. Well, the tootsie rolls and Dots and Milk Duds.

 

 

Most insincerely,

       Joe

 

 

 

 

CHAPTER 2:

 

 

Txting:

J03: I am on my way to camp aboard a bus.

Rick: Oh wow. Tvs in the bus?

J03: Heck yes! We are watching a canada special on the snowy habitat

[three way text opens, Dad joins in]

Dad: Son?

J03: Hi, dad!

Dad: are you okay, got all your stuff?

J03: yup. The bus is pulling out of the school now

Dad: ok good.

Rick: Hey Mr. Henderson?

Dad: Yes, richard?

Rick: It’s Rick.

Dad: no, richard is your birthname

Rick: yessir.

Dad: that’s supposed to be two words.

[three way chat closes]

Rick: ur dad is not a very good txter.

J03: he used to be an english teacher.

Rick: I C

J03: Ok, g2g, we are supposed to turn the phones off.

(some kid snatches cellphone)

J03: HEY RICK!!!!

Rick: Joe?

J03: No this is Phil now!

Rick: I don’t know a phil.

J03: :*):*):*)

J03: Sorry some kid got my phone, I got it now.

Rick: ok

J03: bye

Rick: ok bye. HEEEY ! THERES A LOT OF CANDY MISSING!

J03: you…re….br…eak….in…g…up!!!

Rick: Txting doesn’t break up you stole candy from the stash!!!

(conversation ends)

 

 

Txting about three hours later:

 

 

(Joe to rick)

J03: Oh man it is only a few hrs into camp and I alredy screwed up!

Rick: ??

J03: I opened the cabin door after putting some stuff under my bed and accidentally whacked the head counselor in the head.

Rick: oh man you have to be in big trouble.

J03: yes I am confined to the cabin for 2day.

Rick: oh dern it.

J03: It is frightening that the counselor is bald

Rick: why?

J03: because he was whispering profanities at the door after he got hit and it sounded loud to my…

J03: erm

J03: highly developed sense of bald hearing-ness,

Rick: that’s weird.

J03: g2g food tray is here.

Rick: whats for din din?

J03: Tuna casserole and…is that duck? Gotta go

Rick: glad you brought candy, eh?

J03: si. Bye.

(conversation ends)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Call conversation from dad to Joe:

 

 

Dad: Hey Joe?

Joe: Hiya, dad!

Dad: guess what!!!

Joe: what?

Dad: you are about to be a big brother!

Joe: like mom is gonna have a baby?

Dad: Uh-huh!!!

Joe: WOW!!! So that makes you like, a double father or something?

Dad: um….

Joe: oop, dad gotta go. Marshmallow fire is beginning and If I don’t go now they will be all gone by the time I get over there.

Dad: okay, keep your nose clean. Bye.

Joe: Bye, dad! HEY, GUYS! SAVE SOME FOR---

 

 

Letter from Joe to dad two days later:

 

 

Dear Father,

How are you? I am fine. Here at CampCanada, we are freezing. I think I saw a penguin yesterday. Anyway, we eat smoked duck and tuna casserole every night for dinner. If we get thirsty, we get some kool-aid. The hard part is that we don't get any water, just the powder. It takes snow a long time to melt up here. Anyway, I hope that mom is alright. Tell her not to have her baby until I get back!

Lots of Love,

Your son Joe

Txting from Joe to Mom:

 

 

J03: MOM DON’T HAVE YOUR KID UNTIL I GET BACK!

Mom: I won’t honey, it takes more time than a month!

J03: Oh good. I was afraid my younger brother or sister wouldn’t recognize me when I came back unless she had seen me from near-birth.

Mom: you’re a cute kid.

J03: Mo-om!

Mom: Just kidding. I have to go. Knitting class.

J03: Oh yeah! Knit me some orange socks with penguins on them!!!

Mom: I’ll se what I can do!

(conversation ends)

 

 

 

 

CHAPTER 3:

 

 

Call from Rick to Joe:

 

 

Rick: Hey, dude!

Joe: Hey!

Rick: your pet is driving me nuts, and he needs to talk to you!

Joe: He is not a pet. We are equals, I just take care of him.

Rick: Whatever, just PLEASE TAKE OVER!!!

(the following has been translated from penguin to English for the sake of your sanity)

Joe: Hey, Perriguin!

Perry: Joe! Big time emergency!

Joe: What’s wrong?

Perry: We are OUT of canned tuna, and talking to your dad is like talking to Perrinoche.

Joe: Who’se Perrinoche?

Perry: A little Mexican penguin kid. He doesn’t understand north american penguin lingo. Just Mexico penguin which like nobody knows anyway.

Joe: alright, well just get on my computer and put some on mailorder!

Perry: With who’se credit card?

Joe: Oh, I didn’t think of that. Hand the phone to Rick and I’ll handle it.

Perry: Oh, Joe, If penguins could kiss, I’d kiss ya.

Joe: Not with your beak you wouldn’t.

Rick: Hey what the heck is up?

Joe: Pick him up some canned tuna at the kwiky stop, I’ll pay you back I promise.

Rick: Okay. Bye.

Joe: Tell Perriguin I love him!

Rick: You’re so weird…

(phone conversation ends)

 

 

CHAPTER 4:

 

 

Quick email from Joe to camp cook using random computer from cabinmate:

 

 

To: berthabigfatbutterfly@chickenfryersannonymous.budge

 

From: randomcabinmate

 

 

Subject: salad

 

 

Message: How come we can’t ever have just like a salad?

I don’t like duck. Duck is in the relative family of the penguin and I wouldn’t eat penguin to save my soul. Well, I would but that isn’t the point.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To: randomcabinmate

 

 

From: berthabigfatbutterfly@chickenfryersannonymous.budge

 

 

Subject: ignorant little cabinkid!

 

 

Message: The camp counselor eats raw penguin, so if I were you, I’d grin and eat your duck. You’re lucky you get it too. The alternative dinner was peanut butter and squid tentacle sanwiches!

 

 

Reply:

 

 

To: berthabigfatbutterfly@chickenfryersannonymous.budge

 

 

From: randomcabinmate

 

 

Subject: point well taken

 

 

Message: no message

 

 

CHAPTER 5:

 

 

A letter to the camp counselor:

 

 

Dear counselor,

 

 

This morning, as we were engaging in a snowball fight, I accidentally threw an ice-packed snowball through your private cabin window. I went in to get it back and clean up the glass, and I saw seven shot+stuffed penguins in there. How I escaped the room without fainting I don’t know. I have learned from one source that you eat penguins. Now it is apparent that you hunt them as well. I am leaving the camp because any camp run by a cold hearted penguin eater is no place for me. Adios, arividerche, and chao.

 

 

Regretfully yours until I get outta here,

Joe the penguin lover.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A txt to Rick:

 

 

J03: Hey  rck

Rick: what???

J03: I need you to send me some candy. Any kind. But send a lot.

Rick: you txt me at three in the mornin to aks me for candy???

J03: you spelled ask wrong

Rick: ITS THR33 IN THE MORNING ARE U SURPRISED?

J03: Um well no.

Rick: I will send it tomorrow. Or today later or whatever. But not if you text me this early again.

J03: Um no I need you to actually send Perriguin over with the candy. He’ll get here quicker and more efficiently

Rick: What ever Bcuz I dunt care anymore. He’ll be over whenever he gets there.

J03: You spelled don’t wrong

Rick: dlfushurehufreh

J03: What???

Rick: I am really tired. Leave me alone. He’ll get there…whenever. I am turning my phone off in ten seconds so you’d better tell me about your next emergency by then.

J03: Make sure he’s bundled up

J03: It’s cold here.

J03: And put the candy in that heavy canvas bag in my room.

(Rick’s phone is now off)

 

 

A txt from Perry72 a couple days later:

 

 

Perry72: yo

J03: PERRIGUIN!!! How’s the awesomenessest penguin EVER in the WORLD!

Perry72: Um yeah yeah sure whatever um do you know a man named Silas Walters?

J03: …no?

Perry72: That’s what I thought. Apparently he left you a huge inheritance in cash money.

J03: ??????!?

Perry72: His um attorney or something came to your door a couple days ago asking to see you. It was rough telling him you were at camp because your mom and dad were gone, and penguins (in case you didn’t know) do not have opposable thumbs so I couldn’t write to him. I eventually had to type it up on your computer and wait for him to read it. He got mad that you were away and said he’d call you. I gave him your number.

J03: U R not a very good txter. U spell evrything right.

Perry72: U usually do 2.

J03: when R u gonna B here? I am skipping out of camp. Heading back to home.

Perry72: What do u mean? I am freezing my beak off outside your blasphemed door!!!

J03: WHY DIDN’T you knock???

Perry72: open the darn door.

J03: ok

(conversation ends)

 

 

Call to rick:

 

 

Joe: Rick!!!

Rick: Joe.

Joe: Perriguin arrived safely and thanks for giving him a coat.

Rick: It was my sister’s

Joe: Light blue looks good on penguins

Rick: Hey there’s a penguin in a sombrero out here yelling at me.

Joe: put him on

Perrinoche: Hola?

Joe: Me no habla espanol. Me habla ingles.

Perrinoche: Woakay!

Rick: Weird huh.

Joe: Yah gotta go. I am skipping south today. And giving my farewell letter to the counselor. I wrote it like three days ago.

Rick: bye

Joe: Oh one more thing…why did perriguin arrive with a sackful of lemonheads and sweet tarts and sour starbursts and warheads?? I hate sour candy!

Rick You said any kind of candy would do. The end.

Joe: Wait! I-

(conversation ends)

 

 

CHAPTER 6:

 

 

Dear Dad,

 

 

I have decided to leave camp. The counselor is a wicked penguin-killer, and I am not able to stand the cold. Seeya soon,

Joe.

 

 

Txt:

 

 

J03: Perriguin test test

Perry72: They work fine, joe. Don’t sweat

J03: not in this weather

Perry72: hahaha. I’ll take that higher road

J03: and I’ll take the low!

Perry72: off we are

(pause)

Perry72: you have something on your lip.

(heroic music)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Txt:

 

 

J03: hey dude I cant see u anymore bcuz of the snow maybe we should stick together.

J03: and my battery is dying

J03: hel-lo?

J03: (in the middle of typing a new message, the battery dies)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CHAPTER 7:

 

 

 

 

 

 

INTERVENTION BY THE AUTHOR:

 

 

At this point, I feel it is necessary to intervene. At this point it is clear that lack of communication is a problem. If I continued the story after Joe recharges his phone at an Alaskan Lodge, you wouldn’t know what happened before. I would like to fill the gap of no knowledge with accounts by various sources. All are reliable. Well, maybe.

 

 

From the journal of Sarah Palin, Alaskan Governer: I was outside on my back porch getting ready to shoot a skinny bear. Then, the bear got up and hollered, “Don’t Shoot!”

Well, I figured this was some joke because I never heard a bear say ‘don’t shoot’.

I called out and asked who it was. Guess what. When I called “Who’se thare?” The guy said his name was Joe! Immediately, I said, “Oh, the plumber!”

Well, the bashful little guy said, “Yeah, um, maybe.” And so I took him in my house to feed him some vennison, and he told me that he had run away from somewhere in Canada and was trying to find Colorado. Well I told him he was in Alaska and he nearly dropped his jaw through the floor! He asked if he could recharge his phone and I told him he could. He text messaged someone urgently, thanked me for the food, and ran out into the snow. He also stole a snowmobile and left a note saying “I O U 1 snowmobile” and left. I almost got my gun, but then remembered my place in this country and went back inside to reload for the big bear hunt. Anyway, the end.

 

 

From the miniature diary of shy little Joe the Plumber:

I was using my magic little plunger to hear the conversation outside of my favorite governer’s house. Some bloke was pretending to be little old me, and she believed the guy! I immediately felt that cute little feeling I get behind the eyes, that one where I feel like I am seeing red. I went out from under the Good Man’s bed, and turned into the Incredible Hulk outside. I decided I was going to go stomp the little man, but then I felt a familiar poking in my back. IT WAS SIMON! Simon the invisible unicorn and I went chasing him, until I got a little too big and mad, and I crushed Simon. I apologized to the pancake erm unicorn a million times, but nothing happened. By that time, the guy who pretended to be me was zipping past on some doohickey, and it took all the speed I had to catch him. One flick of the finger on my part sent him crashing through a hospital window. Good thing, too. He had a very very short trip to make to the place he needed to be. Anyway, I turned back into bashful little old Joe, and went back to sleep in my box.

 

 

First and LastJohnQ.DoeHospital of Alaska Record for Joe Henderson:

Injury/injuries: Blow to the back, herniated disk, concussion, broken arm, glass embedded in body, fractured collarbone.

Surgeries: Disk relocation, head check, glass removal, brace in collarbone, splint for arm.

Status: Will be let out in two more days

 

 

CHAPTER 8 (communication restored)

 

 

Call from Silas Walter’s Attorney

 

 

SWA: Hello?

Joe: Um, hi?

SWA: This the attorney and property manager of Silas Walters.

Joe: Oh! Hello! I am in the hospital right now. Can you call back in twelve days?

SWA: No, actually. It is urgent that I tell you some information immediately.

Joe: Oh really? Well, I was in the middle of Parcheesee with a penguin, but okay.

SWA:….

Joe: Please, continue

SWA: Um, okay. I needed to tell you that my deceased client has left you 17 million dollars in cash.

Joe: I think it’s my turn to be speechless.

SWA: Yes, I’d believe so. Apparently, Silas Walters was a distant uncle of yours who randomly chose you by process of names in a hat. It was apparently you or three other people named Jerry Laws, Dorothy Laws, or Gregory Laws.

Joe: We used to see the Laws every Sunday in May when I was two. We played basketball, soccer, tennis,-

SWA: Did you hear me? Seventeen million dollars!!!

Joe: That’s cool!

SWA: Anyway, you need to come to Jordan’s Law Firm, TitusvilleFlorida. Apparently, your uncle lived there. They won’t send the papers here, so they need you there.

Joe: Perriguin’s gonna like this.

SWA: ???

Joe: Gotta go.

 

 

 

Text to Rick:

J03: Hey rick

Rick: what

J03: I am a multi-millionare

Rick: Who iz this?

J03: spelled is wrong

Rick: grrr

J03: Its joe! My distant uncle or something left me a ton of cash!

Rick: how much exactly

J03: 17 mill

Rick: I get seven million!

J03: why?

Rick: Bcuz I like money

J03: good point. I’ll drop you seven thousand upon ma return

J03: and guess what

J03: I almost got shot by sarah palin and almost got killed by tha incred. Hulk

Risk: Nu-uh.

J03: Yeah. And you know what else? I broke my neck but I’m all better now

Rick: I dunt believe you

Rick: don’t say it

J03: harhar

(conversation ends)

 

 

TXT to Perriguin:

 

 

J03: Perry?

Perry72: where in the great grand arctic areya?

J03: looking for you. Whats the deal?

Perry72: I am trying to stop p-noche from eating the supply of candy

J03: Why’s he here?

Perry72: Little tagalong here wont stop shouting something about trains and soy sauce.

J03: what?

Perry72: “yo soy muy loco” isnt loco short for locomotive or trains? And then that part about soy something? Soy muy?

J03: He is reffering to himself and in spanish he is saying I am very crazy. I took a little spanish.

Perry72: Could you just hike your little rear back down to Michigan please?

J03: How did you get from alaska to MI so short?

Perry72: um, I waddled. No, doy, I bribed a little plane pilot into smuggling us in the cargo hull and flying us southeast.

J03: whatd you bribe him with?

Perry72: two hundred bucks

J03: where’d you get that?

Perry72: you know, my piggy bank was starting to get heavy so I pecked it. Perrinoche brought it along just in case.

J03: howd you get 2 hundred dollars in your PB?

Perry72: If I told you, youd know. I for one will not be the one to spoil your innocence.

J03: Something tells me that the reason involves some little penguin evil.

Perry72: si. As noche’d put it.

Perry72: but I am not going to tell you.

Perry72: bye, and find some way to get down here before the pistons play. You’ll find me at seat three, row nine, aisle sixteen.

(text over)

 

 

 

 

CHAPTER 9

 

 

Text to Perrinoche:

 

 

J03: hey noche, can you text in english?

L0c0: ????

J03: en ingles?

L0c0: OHHH si!!!!

J03: um then where are you and perry?

L0c0: rite B-hind you, loco perro!

J03: I am not a crazy dog.

L0c0: I am waving like a crazy man! Look back! See me!

J03: oh there you are. I’ll try to get up there

(text ends)

 

 

At first seemingly unrelated text from Pistons manager to cameraman after game:

 

 

Pistonrunner: hey, did you love that halftime or what? Your pay goes up my friend.

LennyoftheLens: I know! That kid was so funny, the one who won the vacation with one of the basketball players. Don’t you get a kick out of he chose the pistons mascot?

Pistonrunner: that’s the best. I hope you get me a copy of that.

LennyoftheLens: anything you say, boss. Say, how much of an advance do I get?

Pistonrunner: up in the three hundred bucks area.

LennyoftheLens: ooh! Oh man my gut hurts just thinking about how he asked if the penguins could come! And how the little one in the sombrero started his tyrade of penguin squeakles and spanish when he found our he was going!!!

Pistonrunner: HAHA!!! I picked the destination. TitusvilleFL has a beautiful resort. They oughta be happy enough there! Nice and waaaarm for the penguins eh?

LennyoftheLens: that’s mean.

Pistonrunner: they serve fish

LennyoftheLens: my wife is calling. Gotta go!

Pistonrunner: ok, seeya.

(text is over now)

 

CHAPTER 10

 

texting fourway:

 

Perry72: Hehee! we can go by that inheritance office while were in titusville and become millionares while on vacation! its too perfect!

Rick: you're right. It IS too perfect.

J03: No way. Nothing's gonna happen. except for that we will get filthy stinking rich.

L0c0: heehee! peso peso peso!!!!

J03: We are gettin to be very excited up here in...weherever we are. The limo is great, and I think we''re going through chicago. headed towards FL now. The mascot is asleep.

Rick: why are the penguins chatting with you if they are in the same limo as you?

J03: they are in the trunk.

Rick: ooh...and you are allowing this?

J03: they have an xbox hooked up in there and a penguin game in. plus they get snacks and a net cover thats painted to look like metal so that they can breathe inconspicuously. The mascot's driver didnt want penguin poo in the seats.

L0c0: I am beating perry in da game of da penguin fighters! heehee! Me loco Larry!

Perry72: nuh-uh! I am so winning. Roudnhouse power flipperkick!

Rick: how do they play videogames and text at the same time?

J03: penguins are nature's greatest wonder....who knows....

J03: I'll text you when we get to titusville.

Rick: ok bye.

 

texting a day later:

J03: hey perry open the trunk latch and get out we are here.

Perry72: Ohkay. I am really hungary tho

J03: wow titusville is beautiful...

Perry72: where's this inheritance office exactly?

J03: I told the driver we were swinging by there and he said okay so we should be....oh there it is.wait why am I chatting with you, you are out of the trunk. I get so used to chatting that I forget I have a voice....ok bye.

(chat ends with an eyeroll from perriguin)

 

Author intervention: Yet again, there is no communication for a while. but this is a pivotal, hilarious, tear-tugging part of the story. witness accounts and writer's talent have molded these next few chapters like a story.

 

Joe and the penguins rushed to the door of the small building that was clearly the office they'd been looking for. Joe rapped on the door in a shave-and-a-hair-cut fashion. the last two knocks sounded and the door stood open before him. the attorney guy motioned for them to come in and sit down in three leather chairs.

"I need some paperwork to be signed by the reciever of the inheritance. Let me go in the back and get it."

Some time passed and Perrinoche got tired of waiting.

"I gotta use da to-late. i mean da toi-late."

"See that door with the stickman on it? go in there. there's a restroom in there." Joe and Perriguin waited for Perrinoche to come out. Instead they heard another door open. the back door. Darth Vader in the flesh stalked in and pulled a lightsaber from his cloak.

"I have waited for this moment longer than you can imagine, Joe Henderson! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

Joe stood in shocked silence. He tried to recall the Darth Vader chapter in the Big Book of Anti-Bad Guy Defending Moves. Silk pajamas. that was the reason he had worn them from two up. He was just used to them, but then he had read the book and got even more comfortable wearing the pajamas. The ones that laid below the free Pistons sweater and blue sweats. Joe ripped off the sweater and "I love camp C" t-shirt, then the sweats. Darth Vader cowered inthe reflection of the shiny material.

"You think that will stop me from destroying you. All I need to do to resist the awesome power of silk is to wear these!"

Darth donned some crazy eighties disco glasses and rushed forward, illuminating the room with his red blade.

Then a really loud squak startled everyone. Perrinoche had fallen in the toilet and clogged it. The water spilled under the door as Noche dug himself out and waddled out of the room.

"sorry. La to-late over flowed.Hoo is dat guy?"

"I am darth vader. I have come to destroy you and your little human friend."

"Oh. Okay."

Perrinoche waddled over to the door.

"Les go guys, he wants to de-story us."

"No! you can't leave!"

The water had seeped all over the tile floor. Darth slipped on the water. as he flew up into the air in a backwards back-flop, he shouted, "I AM YOUR UN-CLEEEEEE!!!!"

Joe and the penguins watched in horror as the giant metal man fell into the puddle. His saber went dead. Darth Vader was defeated. Or was he? After a few seconds, Vader raised his head and said, "You seriously thought I was dead? Think again." Vader rose, and while doing a side-twist to get his lightsaber his wet cape brished the wiring on his front control box. Electricity flickered, then leapt and danced across his body. Roots of voltage jutted out from the box across his body, eventually touching the helmet. The force of the blue bolt of lightning touching his helmet sent the headware shooting up in the air. The window shattered as a little green man jumped from outside and caught the helmet. He held it like Hamlet and said, "Poor Yodrick. Knew thee hardly we did." Then he grinned and turned on vader who had fallen to the floor. Seeing no motion, he leaned his head down to vader's face. Or more like Silas Walter's face.

"Breathiing he is not. Dead, I think he is."

"And I thot I was hard to comprendo !!!"

"Criticize my english, do not."

"That's ingles!"

"Grrr."

Joe saw a fight erupting.

"Woah, woah, woah. Don't fight. Good job, Perrinoche. You killed Vader. Thanks for dropping by Yoda."

The mascot stepped in.

"Effryhing ohay?" the mascot's stuffed head seemed to be causing the real dude some trouble in speech.

"Darth Piston, you are! Sith!"

Yoda struck out with his short green saber and the world lost a mascot.And a mascot lost a head.

"Oh no! you killed the Pistons Mascot! OH NO!"

Joe freaked out.

"In league with this sith you are? Die, you must!"

Joe and the penguins hurried out of the building. Well, Joe ran and the penguins waddled. Joe picked up the penguins and hurried to leave. Yoda bounded behind.They made it out to a private swamp where thay saw a guy with a red headband. ""Sylvester Stallone?"

Joe accidentally bumped the busy guy into the river while he ran and marveled at seeing the guy who played Rocky. It turned out that that guy was Rambo. As he had been hunting a crocodile, he had been bumped to his foe. As he swam he quickly choked out a curse.

"Tonight you will not see the light of day!"

Everyone heard the curse, but they kept running. Joe contemplated trying to help the guy so the curse would be lifted, but looking back, Yoda seemed to be gaining. They kept running.

 

Chapter 11

Eventually, Joe had the guts to look back. Yoda was nowhere in sight. He could rest for a minute. He sat against a tree and set the penguins down on the leafy forest floor. They waddled off to a little creek to swim and fish.

"Don't go too far, guys. If Yoda shows up...well, nevermind. Just stay close. As the penguins swam and squeaked, Joe looked nervously at the sinking sun. He prayed the curse would have no effect. Looking down, he was embarassed. Here he was in the middle of a Florida forest with two penguins to watch over...and all he was wearing were his magenta silk pajamas. Useful as they had been in distracting the sith in the Inheritance Office, they were a little skimpy to be tramping around in the forest in. He thought about the way the mascot's head had rolled and he caressed his own neck. He vowed no lightsaber would cross this neck's path. At that moment, yoda dropped from the trees. He was fuming.

"Try to catch you, I did. Speedy, you are. Short, I am. But now I have you! Mine you shall be!"

Joe did some quick thinking, but even quicker was the chain of events that followed his thoughts on the situation. To illustrate this chain of occurences, let me put a list up here for your convenience.

1. Yoda ignited his lighsaber and stepped forward to decapitate Joe.

2. Perriguin yelped

3. The Incredible Hulk knocked a tree over and stood behind Yoda

4. Yoda swung

5. Hulk swung faster

6. As the lightsaber was about to turn Joe into a headless person, Hulk knocked Yoda into a creek. HOW unfortunate that it was the same creek Perriguin and Perrinoche were in.

7. The electronics of the lighsaber exposed, the water quickly made Kentucky-Fried-Penguin of Joe's friends. Bummer.

8. Joe shouted, "Nooooooo....." and with the dramatics in play, the Hulk decided to play along. Unfortunately, since he was so huge, his voice sounded a little like this:

9. Yyyehhhss! I haaab yeaouw nooooow!!!!

10. That was just enough time for a plane that was in mid-crash to smash into Hulk's shoulder. The hulk of green muscle swatted at the wreckage like swatting a fly, and unfortunately the plane fell. Luckily it

11. tipped foreward instead of back and fell on Hulk's toe. Hulk had a wingtip lodged in his toenail. He

12. shouted and hopped on one foot as he tried to remove the wing from his big, green toe. He picked it out and tossed it away. He was too sore to limp so he crawled away, a three inch man again.

 

Chapter 1

Call from Joe to paramedic

Joe: Uncle Derrick??

UD: what's up, little nephew?

Joe: I couldn't get through on 911...there's a huge plane wreck here and my penguins probably died and yoda is dead......

UD: what? I am on my break! I just drove an old lady who suffered a heart attack to the hospital and a little boy who broke his collarbone on a skater-board not long after. Do i deserve to get to finish my salami-and-pickle sandwich or what?

Joe: These people's lives are dwindling down to little strings of...of...of...I need you, uncle D!

UD: all right, where are you?

Joe: I just realized that I have a problem.

CALL ENDS

Author intervention again....The story must be told like a story at this point, though I wish it wasn't that way.....it would save me a lot of interviews, witness accounting, storytelling, and source verification. You don't understand these big words? Oh, you do. I was hoping they might confuse you and sound like a good excuse.

Oh Well.

Joe wandered around, careful not to stray from the creek. He dared not enter the water as the electricity could possibly be still dancing around the droplets.

He tried to make several 911 calls, but for some reason they never went through. He checked the phone status. the connectivity was plummeting. He frantically tried to call several people, but the only call that went through was to his uncle, and that one got cut short. It was a miracle he had gotten hold of anyone at all. He walked around the plane again and tried not to look inside. He finally lost to his compulsive feelings, and he ventured inside the wreckage. But before he stepped foot inside the plane, he noticed Fed-Ex written on the side. Hm. Maybe there was something inside that could help him. He first noticed the pilot. He dared not turn him over because he was afraid of what he might see. He ventured deeper inside the plane. There was one guy inside with a gash in the side of his mouth. The blood looked eerily fake. The man groaned and and moaned. Then he noticed Joe.

"Tom Hanks?"

"Um...who are you??"

"Joe, sir."

"Well, Joe, you've successfully wasted film on a stupid-"

"Wow! It IS you! Tom Hanks...can I get an autograph?"

"Kid! You made our plane crash somewhere that we aren't supposed to be crashing! We were SUPPOSED to crash on an island about a few miles from here! YOU made some green thing...Hey what WAS that thing?"

"Oh I call him the incredible hulk."

"Wow. That thing was huge. What are you wearing?"

"um...these old things? Ah, they're my...um...pajamas."

"They look 'spensive."

"They  are 'spensive, sir..."

"OH! mock me, will you! I just suffered a blow to the mouth instead of having a nice, easy crash, and I think you really killed the pilot!"

"Sir..."

"And then you go ahead and mock me to my face!"

"Sorry, sir."

"That's better. Where am I?"

"In the middle of the jungle somewhere in Florida."

"Oh, fantastic. I am stuck in the middle of the jungle with a kid who likes to mock me-"

"I said I was sorry!"

We could go on and on with this incessant dialogue, but the point is after they blabbed in the plane for hours, they unloaded the packages from the plane and set up camp by the creek. Joe hadn't told him about the penguins yet. Then, two dark figures, two instantly recognizable figures emerged from the water. One wore a floppy sombrero with most of the color scorched off, and the other wore a defiant stare. Both were penguins, and both had their feathers sticking out like crazy. You wouldnt believe they were penguins until they smoothed down their feathers and began talking.

"Oh my tuna...you would not believe it."

"Si!"

"We got shocked out of our beaks and then got trapped in a giant air bubble..."

"¡Tuvimos que respirar de la burbuja hasta que consiguió así que pequeño nuestros picos la hicieron estallar!!!"

"He said: we had to breathe from the giant bubble for a long time; until our beaks popped it!"

"That was just now, and we just made it up from the bottom of the creek!"

"Yoda dead, we fiesta!"

"You guys! I love you! A! I can't believe you're alive!"

"AAAAUGH!!!"

Tom Hanks freaked out and went dashing thrrough the jungle.

Chapter 13

 

The penguins dried off and demanded some food. Joe slowly retrieved a sour starburst and an airhead from his pocket. The last of the candy. The penguins choked down the candy quickly. Then, Joe had an idea. He picked up a scrap of metal from the plane wreck and started to dig a hole. The penguins didn't seem too interested; they waddled off and found a rock to play catch with. Over the course of two days, the hole yeilded a pipe made of old plastic. Joe ventured inside the plane and found some rope which he used to get the pipe out of the ground. The pipe was old and had not been in use for quite some time. Using an overhead branch as a way of leverage, he slowly lifted the heavy pipe out and used a sharp sliver of metal from the wreckage to split the pipe open. He laid the open piece of plastic in the creek and tied the rope to four ends. using a new branch, he put a plan into action. After waiting a little while, Joe yanked the rope and the pipe closed into a tube again and came out of the water. Joe positioned the tube over a patch of dirt while Perriguin watched curiously. Opening the tube yeilded three fish. They had been trapped when the split ends of the tube had snapped shut. Perriguin was disdainful.

"I coulda got more."

Joe distributed the fish. Then he realized that he was in a situation; any penguin can eat a fish raw but a human can get sick like that. He took the shard from the plane he had used earlier and cut his fish in half. He left the two penguins to fight over the tail end of the fish.

"What on earth am I going to eat..."

He wandered over to the creek and saw a piece of paper lying on the bank. He retrieved it.

"What?"

A lottery ticket, half scratched lay in his hand, half caked with mud. Careful not to scratch it, (why I don't know) he brushed the mud off and held it like a diamond. He didn't know whether the ticket was a worthless scrap of paper or a million dollar prize, but he knew that he had been really lucky on his quest so far so....why not see if his streak was still going?

He walked back over to Perriguin. "Keep an eye on the mexican kid, and if you hear me shout, shout back. I'm going away for tonight."

"Whatever"

Joe slowly made his way out of the jungle, thinking constantly about all that had happened to him. Then he got to thinking about Rambo's curse. "Tonight you will not see the light of day..."

He thought, and discovered that they never had anything to worry about in the first place. He winced. Silk pajamas plus thorns equals not much defense. He cleared a small path, clutching the ticket enough to whiten his knuckles. He prayed he'd get lucky.Finally, he made it to a road that led him down to a convenience store. He noticed the sign on the door that said, "Florida Lottery." He grinned. It was time to find out if he was going to be a winner or a loser. The guy at the counter pointed to him, "Hey! You can't buy those!"

"I found it!"

The guy couldn't argue. He had never heard that kids can't find tickets, so he returned to his 'Muscle Car Show' magazine and his chips.  Then, on the tv, the moment about twenty other guys in the store had been waiting for became real. The little prizes were read off. None began with Joe's number. Then, the big prize. 7. A match! 784. Joe's spirits lifted. The rest of the ticket was unscratched. From now on, the game depended on Joe. 7, 8, 4, 9...Joe slowly revealed another number. A nine. Two more numbers. 7, 8, 4, 9, 2. Joe rubbed off the next number. It was a two. One more. One more. The seconds felt like hours. 7, 8, 4, 9, 2, aaand.....another 8. Joe scratched off the last number...it looked like an eight...no! A three stared harshly up at him. He sighed. He hadn't lost anything; he hadn't even bought the ticket. But he had come so close....nobody moved. Had nobody gotten it? The tv announcer said...nobody had claimed the prize yet...Joe glanced out the window. On the windowsill, could it be? He grabbed a ticket from the windowsill and checked it off with his. 784928. He stood unmoving. He tried to shout, "I got it," but his throat was as dry as the Sahara. He trembled. The guy said that the lottery would close in five minutes. Men in the shop were checking each other's tickets. Joe stammered..."Lo-o-k! Look at th-is!" One man sauntered over and checked Joe's ticket with the screen. "Well I'll be a  humpback whale...the kid won the lotto!"

"Hol-ly smokes!"

"I never heard 'a no kid gettin' a-"

"The kid won eight million dollars and a Mercedes! What the jakes is he gonna do with a Mercedes?"

"Whaell, there ain't no law 'gainst no kid ownin no car, jis' one 'gainst him drivin' it!"

"By the time this kid's old enough to drive his car, it's a gwine' ta be rusty as a tin can in a waterin' hole!"

"Whell WIPE my nose! The kid really DI D win dis here lotto-ree!"

"What?" The guy at the counter was finally pulled away from a picture of a sleek camaro and a half-eaten potato chip.

"Kid cain't win no lottery in THIS 'ere town!" 

The guy picked up a phone and ccalled into the lottery channel.

"Some kid 'ere found the winnin' ticket. That ain't legal is it?" There was a long pause...."Hu. I SEE. Well, then, this 'ere kid could be harrested? Oh not hunless he bought it. Well. G'bye, then."

The man turned to a petrified Joe. "You posi'tiv-aly SHER ya didn't buy this'ere ticket?"

"Sir, I swear I never bought a lottery ticket in my life!"

The man sighed then called in again. "This'ere kid's tellin tha truth. I know. I KNOW it's crazy. Okay, I'll tell'im."

The man hung up the phone and turned to Joe. "You's gettin a limo 'round here be pickin you up and takin' you to get you sim money in a check."

Joe robotically thanked the guy and turned to step out of the door as the TV blared his success. He had to text Perriguin.

 

J03: Perry?

Perry72: what, skipper?

J03: ??

Perry72: you arent skippin out on us R ya?

J03: no way. listen.

J03: I just won 8 million bucks and a car.

Perry72: no seriously who is this?

J03: PERRY! I won the lottery!

Perry72: right... Ill play along. I get to drive the car.

J03: I'll prove it! you just wait and stay put!

Perry72: right...okay...while you go off and collect your fortune

(end of text)

 

Chapter 14

J03: Dad??!?

Dad: what?

J03: I have something to tell you.

Dad: It's 12 oclock midnight and you have something to tell me.

J03: I just....

Dad: what?

J03: nm, I'll just be home soon.

Dad: hey you better be safe.

J03: I am dad

Dad: okay bye.

(text ends)

J03: Perry?

Perry72: yeah

J03: I am in a limo with a jaccuzi

Perry72: Oh yeah I SO believe you 

J03: wutever.

Perry72: did you seriously really win the lotto?

J03: YES!

Perry72: ok I might sorta half believe you

J03: just wait 'till I get back.

 

Joe stepped out of the limo and brushed off his silk pajamas. Hurriedly picking the burrs out of his top, he walked into the door of a big building. As soon as he went inside, flashes nearly blinded him. He faced the rollinc cameras and couldn't resist the urge to scream. He soon wore past them, and huddled at the end of the building. A man came out to shake his hand. The guy (wearing a huge ten-gallon hat) motioned for two ladies in long, purple dresses to hand him a giant check. Paper clipped to the back of the huge check was a smaller one, and a key. He supposed the key was to his Mercedes. He took the check and nodded to the crowd of paparazzi. He glanced sideways at the guy the ladies. The women seemed to have smiles that were eerily fake. Huge and teeth that gleamed like polished steel. He vowed never to undergo plastic surgery.  Staring at the cold lens of a close camera, he felt cornered and asked to be excused. He slipped outside and there was a chouffer (or however you spell that) in a gleaming silver Mercedes. He opened the front passenger door and slid the check (the big one) slantways through to the backseat of the car. Sighing for the twentieth time in as many minutes, he asked the driver to head towards the jungle on the outskirts of Titusville. Driving slowly but keeping the mighty motor  humming, they made their way to the street that Joe had found when he got out of the jungle. He told the driver to get out and call a cab. Leaving the car, Joe ventured carefully (he was still wearing the ridiculous pajamas) to the middle of the jungle. Joe finally reached the sleeping penguins. Shaking them awake as the crack of dawn approached, he showed them the checks, the key, and (after lot's of re-rousing and walking) the car. Perriguin finally believed. The trio made sure that the check was cashed at an old bank and they left to their camp in the woods. The giant posterboard check served as a siding for the tent the penguins slept in. Even at seven in the morning, everyone was tired enough to sleep.

 

Chapter 15

Joe awoke to the humming of his car. He smiled and saw his dad in the front seat of the car..."Are we almoffst there?" He asked sleepily. Then, the picture distorted and Joe truly awoke. "AUGH! Perriguin, what in the name of sanity are you doing driving?"

"No need to be so rude, sheesh. Have some kettle corn."

"Perriguin! Why are you driving the car?" 

"I saw an ad in the paper for some pets to be donated to a petting zoo in a small neighborhood. I figure we go, be petted by the world, make more money, and head to Mexico."

"WHAT??? We have millions of dollars IN CASH and you want to go get pennies at a petting zoo! Yoiuhave something up your little feathered sleeve and I want to know what it is now!"

"Trust me, dude, someone who just won the lottery ought to be able to put a little faith in luck."

"LUCK? What does a petting zoo have to do with luck?"

"Read the ad yourself!"

Joe took a soggy newspaper from Perry and read the ad.

"Petting Zoo going into business...pets wanted...money to be made...Hey some of the words are spelled wrong!"

Joe grabbed a pen and began to write.

'Petttng zhoo goeng imto businoos. Pelts waanted.  Monehy hto bee marde. Caell: 986-298-2782.

extra/misspelled letters: t,h,e,m,o,o,l,a,h,h,e,r,e.'

"Oh my word! what does THAT mean? Maybe there's a lot of gang members trying to take money to...where?"

"Look at the background, dimwit. And have some kettle corn. "

"Theres some letters jumbled up. X, M, O, C, I, E....Ice-mox...Come-ix, Ex-moci...Mix-eco....MEXICO!!"

"I wanna know what  this means! I'm going to check it out, and because I am such a cute lovable, adored penguin, I get to drive!!!'

"Haahaa"

Perriguin gave Joe a stare worthy of recognition.

"You are going to give a cop a heart attack," wailed Joe.

"No I am not, you were lucky enough to get a Mercedes with blacked out windows."

Oh. Where's Noche?"

"He in-sis-ted on sleeping in the trunk."

"Oh."

Not much more was said. Joe munched on kettle corn, and the directions in the ad led them out of Florida, into the Georgia boundaries.

 

Chapter 16

 

"Actually, Perriguin, there's no way there's enough evidence to prove anything. Maybe that was a coincidence."

"Oh, yeah, and how a few astroids and some random sludge crashing and mixing and electrocute-izing to create earth was a coincidence."

"Come on! There has to be more, or nothing to it."

"Oh there's more! I found this in the kettle corn bag."

"It's a map that says 'Ad 3' which is the petting zoo ad. On the back it says: Us criminals is gonna take the loot and hightail it to the place in the back of AD 3. We's gonna squander it and get usselves sim crayolas."

"Yeah. Crayolas is a code word for something...maybe livestock? Ammunition, weaponry?"

"I think It's too weird and we should forget about it."

"Maybe you should just put a little faith in your penguin."

Later....

"Here we are. Mexican chump's asleep. Let's go to the petting zoo!"

"There it is over there...Pet-Pet Circus? Criminey, they even spelled circus wrong! C-I-R-K-U-S-S. Sheesh."

"Oh look, it's the brownies. Girl scouts. Nobody else here but them!"

"Let's wait for the real criminals."

"No these are the criminals! These are the ones who knocked over the banks and hightailed it to Georgia! By the way, you look ridiculous in your high-ly-livin' silk bedwear. We need'a get you a disguise"

"Like what?!"

"I dunno....what do we have........oh-ah!!!!"

Five minutes later....

"I am NOT going as a mexican clown! NO NO and NO!"

"L:ook...I'm going as a chinese clown...bear with it."

"Why do I listen to you? A shirt made of poorly-knit pieces of a kettle corn bag, makeup of whipped cream and Cheez-whiz, way to downstairs-breezy loincloth undy thing made of a few scraps of silk and my Nikes is NOT a good disguise! It's a costume straight outta 'what not to wear unless you want to be impaled by the IRS or some other organization' type thing! You get to just be yourself with a china-wu hat! UN FAIR!"

"Bear with it and get in the zoo. NOW!"

"I listen to the penguin, I reap the consequences. Dang."

The trio continued to the ametuer petting-zoo circus. They casually peeked around for some loot, but all they found were some buffalo chips (who in tarnation brought a buffalo???) and several other (scientifically put) scat spots.

"This is so stupid."

"There's someone coming, act funny."

"Hey, little girl! I'll give you five guesses to see if you know what I'm supposed to be!!!!"

"Um, A foolish and diabolical schemer of infantine elephant dimension?"

"Um.....You win. Here."

Joe tossed the ususpecting girl scout a piece of kettle corn clinging to his shirt. She dropped it and ran away to pet a fish in a fishtank that looked as if it hadn't been cleaned in several years.

"Look....look over there!"

Perriguin spotted a girl scout turning her cute little brown bandana around to hide her face. The girl went into a barn and brought out a sack of money. Then, the duo (Joe and Perry) noticed that all other girl scouts were doing the same...and pulling out stale cookies to use as weapons. Joe thought quickly and picked up a rope lying near the barn. He swung it and swung it at one girl scout. The quick-witted brownie grabbed the rope before it could touch her ankles. Joe was hoping for this, He yanked the rope and the girl became like a top: spinning and being wound up. Eventually, Joe tied her up and announced:

"I have a hostage. Turn over the loot and abandon all plans of evil! Be nice to-"

A shower of rocks (no wait....thin mints) rained down on Joe. He had to fight to stay above the hail. Eventually, the raining rcookies ceased, and one girl scout stepped forward, distressed.

"I'm sorry, mister. We didn't mean to do it... we only wanted some crayons and a vacation. So we went to the bank with our mommies. And then those little boxes that say 'take one?" Joe nodded, "We took FOUR!!!" All the girls pulled off their bandanas and sobbed. Joe gathered the four pennies and  tucked them in his sombrero.

"Allright now you say it! You caused countless innocent mizers to be unable to sneak one extra penny...because YOU beat them to it! You were so selfish that you dared to-"

Perriguin grabbed and dragged Joe away in mid-lecture.

"You dared to-"

The car door slammed shut. Joe sighed, then changed back into his silk pajamas. He faelt more comfortable in them than his costume because of the sith-threat. The trio drove north-west and sang songs...until they realized that they weren't a trio...

Chapter 17

Perry72: Noche?

Parry72: Hey dude you awake?

Perry72: HELLO?????

(text ends)

Chapter 16

"Oh Tunafish marmalade," Said Perriguin, shutting the empty trunk. "Not here."

"That means he's back at t he petting zoo..."

"What's that?"

"lights and sirens! But it isn't the cops, it's the..."

"The anti-P.A.M."

"Anti-penguin and Man"

"Oh tartar waves of grain."

The two could hardly go back for the mexican penguin now...not with half a dozen Anti-Pams on their tails. Perriguin jumped in the car and slammed on the gas. Bumper to bumper, the avenue was packed. Tryin' to get away but....oh sorry. The two freaks drove as fast as they could to evade the Anti Pam. They were so close. Their windsheild was shattered by a half-naked (oops, the N word!!!) guy in a paper-mache mask. They drove on, praying they could transport themselves to saftety. Then, the unthinkable. Joe's cellphone, his one mea of communication flew out and landed miraculously on the hood of the car. Perriguin shouted, "Get it! Lean out the front and get it!"

Joe inched slowly to the front. He stuck his hand out and reached. Just a little farther. A little...All of a sudden, a red, fuzzy creature popped up from the bumper and screamed, "Augh! HAHAHEHEHE!  Elmo got the phone-a! Hahaeehee!"

Joe grabbedf the guy and stuffed him in the backseat. They drove as hard and fast as they could, but seeing a semi head directly at them, they screamed. Perriguin couldn't move. He was paralyzed in shock. They screamed last preyers and wishes, mostly that they would not die, and they plowed into the semi.

Chapter 18

 

I'd seriously love to tell you that the three occupants of the car bravely faced a certain death, sat resolute and silent, and uttered some famous last words. The truth? They screamed like little girls. Just as the semi was about to plow the Mercedes into the asphalt, the road suddently twisted. It was like an invisible whirlpool sucking them in, or like a giant toilet. The road formed a hole in the center of the vortex. The semi was going too fast to even think about slowing down, so it immediately was lost in the toilet-flush earthquake thing. The mercedes however was lighter and could change gears in a heartbeat. So it did. It backed up, and several members of the Anti-Pam were so surprised at this that they went careening to their dooms. Actually, all but one member was lost. That one, a particularly mean-tempered pony lover named Dwight D Skies and plower, had a hatred for all things black and white. He was also a member of the ZAP, Zebras are pathetic group.Anyway, he drove at a distance, and finally he chucked a water balloon at the car. The  car did just what he wanted it to. It shorted, the balloon having hit the engine, and flooded. That was some aim. The guy who threw the thing was a mean, mean man, so not only did he not help the trio, he didn't even seem to care. He drove right on past. Thats an anti-pam for ya. He didn't notice the vortex until it pulled him down, down, down to his death in a bone-crunching cemetary. Luckily, aside from Elmo World, Elmo had a second shift job as a mechanic. So, he was able to get the car running. Unfortunately, the toilet earthquake was still going. So, Joe turned on the radio and they all began singing furiously. 

"I will survive...I will survive hey-heeeey!" They were maddeningly inspired to drive really fast around the huge hole and twistation. Unfortunately (we use that word a lot) that led them straight onto exit 514.

"You're going straight to-"

"I know but we-"

"I'm hungry! I-"

"Give me that map. You-"

"I have it under-"

"I AM HUNGRY!"

Joe and Perry noticed Elmo brandishing a spoon.

"I wanna pullover and find something to eat!"

They all agreed they needed some food, so they pulled over at McDonalds.

"Um...I'll have a double cheeseburger...a hamburger, and a kid's meal. Also three lemonades."

"Uh...I don't think we serve any of that..."

"What the hey?"

Perry drove around to see the sign. McShnidle-Flap's. Same logo.

"Oh, shoot. Let''s just order some whatever. here."

They drove back to the drive throuugh.

"Um, yeah we'll have some uh...Pizza of...Bour-naga-sack-sacky...how do say that?"

"Pizza of Bornagasaki. Alright."

They drove up to get their food and got a platter of pizza.

"mm! That looks good!" They nodded in agreement and drove past. They dug in and immediately dug out.

"YUCK! THIS IS SICK!"

"EEUW!"

Joe hadn't sampled the dish, but the reactions of his fellow carmates told him he was better off not trying it. As they got back on the road, Joe looked at the sign again feelng sure he would have recognzed a difference if the place they went really wasn't Mickey D's. Sure enough, the sign drited between McDonald's and McShnidle-Flap's. That was weird. Perriguin began to change. He sat down on his haunches and began crowing like a rooster. Elmo tore out a pencil and began writing lyrics to disco songs on the roof of the mercedes. Joe looked nervously at the pizza. The pepperonis began to change. They danced and sang whatever elmo wrote. The anchovies crowed in response tro perry. Then, the pizza began to mist over. Joe then woke up. He had been dreaming.

"I AM HUNGRY! I WANT TO PULLOVER AND GET SOME FOOD!"

Joe pointed to a pancake house, so Perry stopped there. The trio ate their fil of aunt Jemima's, then left and headed up and sideways to Missouri.

 

Chapter 19

They kept on driving. and driving. and driving .  They were SO bored. having nothing to do, no excitement, no mayhem on the roads was unbearable. Perry had had enough. He floored tha gas pedal and tore through the scarce traffic on the back farm road he was on. He gritted his beak and when there was a turn, he slammed the brake pedal and spun out. Everyone was shaken, but glad to have some non-boredom for a minute. Then, they just kept driving. After what seemed like eternity, they got up to Kansas. It was really dark outside. Taking a thousand dollars from his stash in the compartemt under the backseat, Joe walked inside a small toy store looking for some fun. He found it. He drifted by the scuba gear, and picked up two masks with snorkels and a boogey board. He threw the stuff in one of his two carts and kept moving. He found a rubiks cube, a paddleeball, three nintendo DS'es, some sunglasses, wrestlemania action figures, a shirt that said, TOYS ARE THE BEST, six LEGO sets, eight bouncy balls, an elmo board book, a toystore skateboard, a bike helmet, twenty marbles, a hotwheels cruieser and a pack of gum. Then, riding the Geoffrey Girraffe fire engine ride at the entrance four times, he paid and left. Of course, there was no room in the car for almost any of that junk. So, keeping only a scuba mask, two werestlemania action figures, the elmo board book, and the gum, the three dudes left the rest in the parking lot. Continuing to another store, they left a trail of junk and accumulated more. Finally, some excitement came their way. While ordering dinner at the biggest restaurant in topeka that they could find, they found out that when you anger members of an organization, the rest of them come for you. Anti-Pam stormed the restaurant and threatened to steal all the cash in the house if they didn't tell where the penguin and his owner was. A telltale beak inched under a table just as the HOTEL (Haters of the elmo lovers) showed up. They and the Anti-Pam got into a huge arguement about whether they should storm the restaurent or blow it up. When the Police showed up, neither group hung around. Joe and perriguin grabbed elmo and ran out the back door. Making it to the mercedes with seconds to spare, they climbed in and began to drive. Unfortunately, Perry was in such an all-fired hurry that he stepped on a shard of one of the plastic wrestling figures. Screaming penguin profanities, (Oh my whale, holy mackerel, what the iceberg...not actual curses)he slammed the gas and drove straight into a...hm...mm..busy dog and a fire hydrant. The hydrant exploded in a fountain of water. The dog lost no time in running like crazy. Muttering about how good it was to o live where it was freezing as a fridge, Perry backed up and drove out of the parking lot. The two groups were almost on them by now, and they looked mad. Reallt mad. In fact, their faces were red as beets, and let's say they werent concerned about the speed limit. Driving faster than a pyrophobic on the fourth of july, all nineteen cars hurled themselves forward atspeeds up to ninety miles an hour. Then, things got weird again. An armored vehicle bigger than any other car out there nudged Joe, Elmo and Perriguin off the road. All the other cars kept chasing no-one. Hopping out of the giant tank-like vehicle, Batman himself picked Joe up out of the car.

"I'll help you. I'll take silky, Penguin, you take the red dude."

"BATMAN! I HAVE YOU LIKE ALL OVER MY BOXERS!!!"

"Whatever. Just drive straight and don't get off the road unless I get you off. Silky, get in the car. Start driving, Penguin."

"Wow! Batman in the flesh!"

"Kid, I don't have time for anything but driving. Stay buckled and don't you dare let go of the armrest."

"Okay."

As the two cars sped behind the groups that were supposed to be chasing them, Batman got a really good idea. He launched a harpoon-like thing at a bumper of the back car in the pack. He then flipped it, and the car landed at the front, acauseing a giant pileup and a wreck. Batman blazed a trail in the wreckage for Perriguin to drive through, and they made it to the Colorado state Line before Dawn.

 

Chapter 20

 

Unfortunately, with the warm welcome provided by a little sign that said, "Welcome to Colorado," there came a green mass of muscle who wanted to stomp a certain human who had shoved a wingtip in his toe. Angrier than ever, The Hulk stormed across the freeway and jumped in the air. Batman would have to think fast. Unfortunately, he didn't. The hulk cannonballed onto a speechless Joe and a determined Batman. Luckily, the tumbler had good armor. It didn't even dent. Hulk, madder than the dickens, decided to wail on the car with all he had. Fists falling, feet stomping, and head banging, Hulk finally got the armor-plated windsheild to break. He reached inside with his pinky and tried to crush Joe. Fortunately for Joe, The hulk thought Batman was the one he was looking for. So, Batman depended on his Kevlar bat-armor to hold against a massive monster. What a puny defense. Eventually, batman drifted asleep via a pressure applied relief system (aka Hulk's finger) on his chest. Joe grabbed Hulk's fingernail and tried to remove the Mass of Muscle from it.  The hulk withdrew, and Joe climbed into Batman's lap to drive.  He grasped what he thought to be an unusual steering wheel, andheld a button he assumed ewas the gas. This pulled his body forward and into a small compartment near the front. He stared out of a screen with a crosshair in the center. One shot left. Joe aimed for a telephone pole, and fired. The pole creaked, lurched forward, and klunked Hulk on the head. Perfect. Joe pulled himself back up and drove (he found the wheel) towards the car that Perry was driving. Yet again, he was mistaken when he thought one control was another. Thinking he should change gears, he pulled a shaft back (one of three) and it activated a jet engine in the back. The car raced forward and passed the Mercedes by a mile. Joe gritted his teeth and decided to give in to luck with a few prayers. He pushed a button labeled, "DO NOT TOUCH." What a genius, huh?

 

Chapter 21

Well, pressing that button took a lot of guts. Joe had those guts. The button made the car lurch terribly. The armor on the outside of the vehicle began to reform. Using screws as hinges, they folded outward.

"Batplane activated"

A computer inside the car sounded.

"Woah, can I give the car voice commands?"

"Yes sir. Would you like for me to activate cabin lights?"

"I wish I knew about this earlier. Yes, computer. Cabin lights on."

The hollow female voice from the ambient speakers in the cockpit made Joe's skin crawl. It was like she was everywhere. Batman stirred.

"Not yet, big guy. Stay asleep."

Joe told the computer to takeoff, and the tumbler rose steadily.

"Computer. Why did the button say 'do not touch??' The plane seems to work fine!"

"Landing gear not yet installed. Crash landing is the only avaliable option."

"Oh no. Are you a GPS, too?"

"I am a GPS, espresso maker, watch, clock, weapons arsenal, driving assistant, memory function, power function, grappling hook activator, activator of-"

"Computer! Find 321 Harvey street!"

"321 Harvey. Located. Would you like to go to 321 Harvey?"

"Yes. Get me over there!"

"Going!"

"How is batman?"

"Your vitals are fine. You seem to be asleep. Shall I recheck your helmet readings?"

The computer thought Joe was Batman. Obviously, voice pattern checks were not yet installed in the tumbler.

"No. It's an error. How close are we?"

"We are flying at three miles from 321 Harvey."

How long will it take?

"Approximately six point twelve seconds."

Sure enough, they landed very very soon. Batman awoke as soon as the car stopped. Unfortunately, there were eighteen Anti-Pam and HOTEL cars parked in Joe's front lawn. Joe had no idea what to do. They probably had his parents hostage, and he had no way of knowing if they would do anything rash. So  he got another not-so brilliant idea.

 

Chapter 22

 

Joe was scared, but he would do the deed he knew was right to save his family. He picked up all the money he had from the Mercedes, circled the house, stayed outside for a minute, then took a suitcase and ventured inside. It was quiet as a grave in his house. He plodded carefully upstairs and stood in the doorway of his room. He opened the door, expecting the worst. His parents lied on the ground, hands tied and cuffed behind their backs. All of his penguin memorobilia lay shattered and wrecked across the room. There was writing that said "Elmo is a preschooler" on the walls. Joe immediately tried to untie his unconcious parents. Then, a few figures emerged from the closet.

"What you got there, eh...JOE?"

Joe guestured towards his stuffed suitcase, "Oh in here? Just some...ah trinkets from a penguin shop. I need to talk to the bosses of the groups quick."

"Oh you do, do yeh? Hand over htat little suitcase, then, and I might be able to get you through to the boss. Joe struggled, but handed over the suitcaseeventually went downstairs without resist. They went into the kitchen and Joe saw a menacing dude. Clothed head to toe in black, baggy clothes, spikes protruding from every possible place, and a helmet with a dozen spines shooting every which way, the man was a sight to behold.

"Hey, porcupine! Need ta see the boss!"

"Okay. BO-OSS!!! "

The Boss (a shabby bum) walked in and sat.

"Hey, kid, we've been expecting you. Let me talk first…Say you act nice and comply with our rules right now. We let you go and your parents, too.That's my bargain."

"What are your rules?"

"You let us keep the suitcase full of money from the lottery. Yeah we heard about that. Let us take your penguins, don't try to take the case back, make Elmo punch himself in da nose for a laugh, and we leave you alone."

"What suitcase?"

The guy Joe had given the case to walked in."This one, kid!"

"Sounds like a good bargain. But first, let me haggle."

"Haggle?"

"You can have that case. I'll be glad to let you keep it. But I keep my penguins, Elmo escapes unhurt, and you don't protest when I pull this string."

The group looked atJoe's hand. He was holing a string, sure enough. They traced it with their eyes, and when they saw where it led, each one gasped. Joe had gotten a black Bat-grenade from the Tumbler and had tied the string to the pin. The grenade was taped to a suitcase with several $100 dollar bills taped to the outside. The suitcase was taped to the window.

"The rest of the moneyy is in there. I was telling the truth when I said it was penguin junk in that one you have. Now. Get the HOTEL group, too, and get out quick. You can have the money case if you leave within three minutes. Leave one guy to pick up the cash. Don't try anything."

Joe had rigged the whole operation before he went inside.

The group cleared quickly. One guy stayed outside by the front door. Joe carefully removed the grenade, untaped the case, and handed it to the frightened HOTEL member. Then, everyone left, and Joe grabbed a baterang to cut loose his mom and dad.

 

Chapter 23

 

Dinner at the Henderson house.

"Pass the gravy, will you, Joe?"

"Sure, Mom."

"Thanks."

"Son, you did a very brave thing in getting us back from those vagabonds. However If you had failed, you'd a-"

"Henry! He did a brave thing, now let's leave it at that!"

"Ehhh, you're right, Euginie. Good job, son."

"So, uh, Mr. Wayne....you've never been to Colorado before?"

"No ma'am. Never seen this place. The snow is incredible. Can't wait to rig up a jetboard and tackle a mountain with Joe."

"So, ah, Joe, pal...we get any credit, eh, there?"

"What's he saying, Joe?"

"He want's to know if he deserves any credit."

"Of course, you do,Perry. You get about as much credit as anyone."

"Hey!" A squeaky voice called out, "Can someone pass the thimble of mashed po-tate-oes?"

"Oh, the other Joe! Here!"

"So anyway, mom, I was gonna tell you about these weird earthquakes we had when we were coming home!They were like toilets in the earth!"

The squaky voice sounded again. "Sorry, Joe, that waSimon. I used my magical plunger to turn him into a massive toilet that sucked the roads into a huge vortex to capture you! I was mad, I am sorry I did that. To ease the suffering, Might I suggest resizing Simon and installing him in place of that leaker you have? I promise he will run four hundred percent more efficiently!"

"Sure, Joe, take all the time you need!"

"So Mr. Stallone! Can I have your autograph?"

"Eh, sure, sure, kid but uh...my finger has to heal for about a week before it will look like mine. You won't be able to sell it."

"Oh I don't want to Rambo! I mean, Uh...Mr. Stallone."

"Sylvesta is only my screen name. My real name's Balboa. Rocky...Balboa."

"Woah!"

"Yeah those other movies. Rocky one and two and tree and four and five and that other one's are my real movies that I used ma real name. They were pretty cool...huh?"

"Mr. T could have totally kicked your-"

"Joe! Please be kind to our guest!"

“Yes, Mom…”

“Rick, may I have those green beans?”

“Okay, Mr. Henderson.”

“Okay is technically not a real word.”

“Yes sir.”

"Well, I think we all have something to be thank...full...hey where's your other penguin, Joe?"

"Oh he's trying to watch a whole Elvis show so he can have a chance of winning a sweepstakes. Something about an elvis Tshirt and more elvis momorobilia."

"Well that's about as much of this as I can take. Stop encouraging your penguins to try to win things. We all got so unhealthy when you won the Ben and Jerry's contest for a year's worth of free ice cream."

"Sorry, they can't help it..."

"Well, I'll say they-"

"WAHOO! WINNA DA ELBIS JUNK! OWOOHOO! CALL IN AN TELL UM!!!"

"Oh no..."

 

Epilogue:

 

Well, for about a month, Joe and the rest of the family lived in an Elvis shrine. Then, a junk collecter swung by and bought the whole "collector's tray" for about seventeen thousand dollars. Joe had struck it rich again. Mom gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Lindsay, who could make her nose increase in tempurature so much on impulse that it could boil water. Rambo went on to make the movie, "Philly Cheesesteak," and it grosseed about four dollars. Batman truly did try to tackle a mountain with a jet engine and a snowboard. He is in a coma to this day. The penguins decided to try to make a show about their adventure. In it, they became the hulking heroes, and Joe the defenseless bum. Sarah Palin became the 2012 President of the united states, and Joe had to buy her a snowmobile. Joe the plumber got married to thumbelina, and they had eighteen kids. Joe the plumber went to anger management classes, and has finally tamed the Hulk. Joe went on to write "The Incredible Hulk" comic book series, and they eventually turned it into a multi-million dollar movie. Elmo eventually fell prey to the toymakers of the century. "Tickle-me-Elmo" made him so notorious that he quit his job at Sesame Street. Tom Hanks was found with a huge beard and skinny as a twig, so they decided to shoot the second half of Castaway first. Then, the rest of the movie was finished and it became a big box-office hit. Never one to give up, Joe's father went back to war and returned with no arms at all. "Derned if I shouldn't a looked both ways..."

Yoda's corpse was found in the creek, and it was soon discovered that it wasn't a corpse after all. Tagged as an alien in the morgue, Yoda got aggressive and woke up.

"The alien, you are! Bury me an alien, you won't"

The pistons sued Yoda who immediately went back to being dead as the incident passed over. The camp fretted about the loss of Joe, then burned his file so the cops wouldn't arouse suspicious. They were of course, caught and put out of business. John McCain was the vice president in 2012, much to the surprise of the country. He quietly took a backseat in the debates while Palin railed against  the opponent, Governer Arnold Shwarzenegger. You say he can't run for president because he was born outside of the US? It had turned up his parents were australian, but while on vacation to see how bored they could get, they had Arnie in Kansas. As for Simon, he was installed, sure enough, but he was often "Missed" because of his invisible qualities. He was later removed and given to John McCain who could feel his way around a little better than everyone at the Henderson Household. Perrinoche visited mexico where he hung out with all of the “babes,” lots of girl scouts. Perriguin wrote a book, “Sarcasm for birds,” which sold seven copies worldwide. Rick Waterfield made lots of money by taping perriguin taking a shower. Entitled “Bird in the rain,” Perriguin singing, ode to Macaroni while rub a dub dubbing in the shower was an instant smash hit which won “funniest home movie of the world award.” Rick’s funeral will be held tommorow evening. Just kidding. Perry did want to kill Rick for what he did. Taping rick talking about his hopeful future in the video game industry won nothing, but it did make Perriguin lighten up on the punishment. Anyone who thought playing video games would make them rich and famous on tape was low enough. Aside from The Hulk, Joe wrote Batman Begins, and many other Batman Books and Movies. After these, he turned to writing Elmo books to calm some anxiouty caused to elmo by his having to give up the show. Then, his writing career over due to his helping Elmo, he decided to teach Anger management classes, which helped The Hulk so much, that he never dealt with another petty little anger issue agaun. His wife was grateful. And me, the author? Well I went on to write numerous corny tales of adventure and idiocy. Finding no other way to close the book, I distinctly remember writing....

THE END

at the end of this book.

THE END.